Is Your Desire For Reassurance Keeping Your Anxiety Alive?
“Do you think I’m going to be okay?”
That’s a real text (or at least a variation of one) that I sent to my mom, every day (sometimes multiple times per day) throughout the entirety of my college career. I was deep in an anxiety spiral that I had no real insight into, beyond that creeping feeling of “something is wrong.” At the time, I had no inkling that there could be a version of life where anxiety didn’t have such a strong impact on me. And with that, I had ZERO inkling that my “Am I okay?” text messages were one of the strongest culprits of keeping my anxiety cycle alive.
Reassurance is one of the most powerful reinforcement tools that we as humans have at our disposal. In childhood we often need reassurance from our caregivers, teachers and friends to feel as though we are making meaningful connections and attachments to those around us. We feel great when we’re getting reassurance from our bosses that we’re doing a good job at work. Reassurance can be a tremendous mechanism for social learning.
So how is reassurance a problem? For folks with anxiety, having our worries relieved for us feels as though a weight has been lifted. If I’m worried that “I’ll have no one to talk to at work today,” and my partner reminds me, “Of course you will, you’re very outgoing!” I’m able to quell those fears. However, this also results in a subconscious belief that we need others' assistance in order to feel okay. You may notice that if you’re someone with anxiety you often seek other’s affirmation, reassurance or opinion; all of which provide us with temporary relief to our worries. The brain loves to feel good, so you might find yourself checking back in later to make sure that they haven’t changed their minds or that a small piece of new information doesn’t change their position that everything will work out in the end. You may have even found yourself turning to Google, looking for answers in a forum and hoping that the internet may hold a certainty that is otherwise unattainable. These behaviors lead to the belief that we need others' opinions, reassurances and affirmations in order to tolerate our anxious feelings. If this continues on a consistent basis, this takes us further away from our ability to self-soothe and furthermore, handle the uncertainty.
You still may not be convinced this is a problem. If those around us consistently provide us with what we need, and it makes us feel better, why should we stop? The cycle of feeling anxious, asking questions to seek reassurance and feeling relief only strengthens our anxieties while simultaneously being a detriment to our ability to tolerate uncertainty. If we turn to reassurance every time we have an anxious thought, we are operating under the assumption that we cannot handle the uncertainty of that thought. We are telling our anxious brains that they’re right, we MUST know and we need to talk about it until we feel better. However, you may find that you can’t stop talking about it. You may find that you feel a temporary relief from a conversation you’ve had with a partner only to feel the desire to bring up the same problem to a friend, and another friend, and so on and so forth until the problem has either been resolved or you’ve found a new worry to fixate on. In short, the relief that we get from reassurance is temporary. It is not a solution and it is NOT helping your anxiety in the long term. In fact, it is reinforcing your anxious feelings to come back stronger.
Earlier I mentioned “our ability to tolerate uncertainty.” If you’re a reassurance seeker and you’ve made it this far, you may not like what I’m about to suggest. One of the most successful ways to break the reassurance cycle is to embrace not knowing. As we gain tolerance for not knowing, we’re able to learn that anxiety is not a signal that we’re in danger and we can handle the situation that we’re facing.
In resisting the urge to seek reassurance, initially, your stress might rise. It might be extremely difficult to not ask the questions that you want to ask and it may feel as though you’re never going to be able to move forward until you get the answers you’re looking for. You might find yourself wanting to ask the question multiple times and having to stop yourself. It will be an arduous journey but on the other side waiting for you will be a world where the urge to “find out” doesn’t control your every moment of every day. You’ll find yourself having conversations that aren’t focused on your fears. You may even find yourself with a new ability to be present in the moment and engaging with loved ones more deeply. So without further ado, here are my top three most helpful tips for putting an end to your need for reassurance:
Ask your loved ones to hold you accountable: In your initial days of beginning the journey to stop reassurance seeking, you may find that it’s compulsory. Because it is a behavior associated with anxiety and OCD it may be something that feels very natural to you (making it hard to stop). Approach your most frequent reassurance givers, (thank them for their years of service) and then ask them to give you a cue that you’ve asked for reassurance again. It can be playful “Ope, can’t answer that!” or more gentle, “just reminding you of what you asked me to do…” Ideally, they’ll commit to not responding to your requests.
Ease in. Not everyone can go “cold turkey.” Your brain is going to be missing out on all of the anxiety driven dopamine you’ve been collecting for years. It’s okay to start by setting limits for yourself. This might look like going to your accountability partners and saying “I’m going to ask you this once, and after that please don’t answer me again.” Giving yourself a pass can help the transition feel more manageable and give you the opportunity to be more successful.
Finally, give yourself grace (and reward!) Although the steps themselves may sound simple, this is hard work. In committing to stop reassurance seeking you’re committing to being the main person in your life tolerating all of the hard stuff. There are going to be slip ups and there are going to be days that are harder than others. That’s okay. Celebrate the days that go well and know that there will be more of them ahead as long as you continue to make this commitment to yourself.
Therapy Services at Austin Anxiety and OCD Specialists
We hope that our blog will be a helpful resource for children, teens, and adults struggling with excessive reassurance seeking; however, we also acknowledge that additional support from a licensed mental health professional (i.e., psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor, or therapist) is sometimes necessary. Austin Anxiety and OCD Specialists is committed to serving individuals who are struggling with anxiety and OCD. We serve children, teens, and adults living in Austin, Westlake, Round Rock, Cedar Park, Liberty Hill, Leander, Georgetown, Pflugerville, Buda, Kyle, and the surrounding areas for in-person therapy sessions at our three Austin area offices. We also provide teletherapy (virtual video therapy sessions) for children and teens living throughout the state of Texas. If you are interested in scheduling an appointment or learning more about evidence-based therapy for anxiety or OCD please reach out to us at hello@austinanxiety.com or 512-246-7225.