Self-compassion (and its misconceptions)

A lot of us are great at being compassionate toward others though find it hard to extend that same compassion toward ourselves. We have a harder time accepting ourselves for all that we are, especially when we make mistakes, do not meet standards we have set for ourselves, or experience some kind of loss. Acceptance does not mean we have to like, enjoy or want more of the painful experience we are in. It simply means we are dropping the fight with reality, which is something we must do in order to change an undesirable reality.

We might think that self-compassion is pitying ourselves, letting ourselves off easy, or just doesn’t feel natural. While it certainly might not feel natural, it is definitely not a form of self-pity or letting ourselves off easy. Self-compassion is so much different than that! Self-compassion is allowing ourselves to be whole, messy, human-beings who experience suffering, while also being able to make changes we want to make. That suffering we experience can come in many forms: physical, emotional and mental to name a few.

One common thought people can get hung up on when thinking about their own suffering is that they “don’t have it that bad” or “it could always be worse”. Surely things could always be worse…AND they could be better! When we compare our suffering to the suffering of others (i.e., comparative suffering) we are essentially placing an objective ranking on individual subjective experience of suffering. Comparative suffering can be a slippery slope. It can start off well-intended though can quickly shift to invalidating ourselves and minimizing the experiences we are going through!

Who might benefit from self-compassion?

EVERYONE! It is likely that everyone has a little room for self-compassion in their lives. Some of us might have more work to do than others, and that is totally okay! If you are someone who is living with OCD or anxiety, you probably know all too well that they often create a lot of opportunities for self-judgment, self-criticism, and shame. Self-compassion can be a great way to work through those exact uncomfortable urges and emotions! It is important to allow yourself to have thoughts, sensations, and emotions and know that they do not inherently define you as a person.

How is self-compassion practiced?

One of the most accessible ways to practice self-compassion is through self-compassionate self-talk. See the example below of an “Instead of this…try this!” self-talk exercise and then try it out with examples from your own life:

Instead of this… (self-critical self-talk)

Try this! (self-compassionate self-talk)

I am such a horrible person for having these intrusive thoughts.

I do not choose what thoughts my brain throws at me. I may not like the content of those thoughts, however, I do not have to assign such personalized meaning to them.

I should be doing better by now.

This phase of my life is turning out to be more challenging than I anticipated. I am going to float with the discomfort that is coming up and continue taking steps toward the goals I have set for myself.

How could I have been so stupid?

I am a human being and I made a mistake. I can both own that AND learn from it.

Some things you might notice about the examples above is that the self-critical self-talk statements are based in all-or-nothing thinking where we are making judgments about ourselves. The self-compassionate self-talk statements still take into account the facts of the situation while offering a more flexible and validating response that is still based in reality. The situation itself has not changed, however, when we adopt a more helpful response to painful situations we are often able to work through them more easily. To bring a little math into the mix: Pain X Resistance = Suffering. If we can use self-compassion to bring down our resistance to a situation, we can reduce the level of suffering even if we cannot immediately change the level of pain! Who said you wouldn’t use algebra later in life?!

Other ways of practicing self-compassion can come through mindfulness meditation, role-playing, journaling or specific self-compassion exercises. Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer of self-compassion research, developed 8 guided practices for self-compassion that you can find on her website: https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#exercises.

Please know that each and every one of you is worthy of self-compassion even if you are having a hard time imagining it for yourself. Like any new skill, it takes time and consistent effort. Working alongside a therapist who specializes in self-compassion can often be a great start!

Written by: Samantha Myhre, PhD

If you are interested in scheduling an appointment with Dr. Myhre please contact us at hello@austinanxiety.com.

Dr. Myhre sees clients at our Round Rock and Allandale offices. She also provides teletherapy sessions to clients living within the state of Texas. Dr. Myhre is also the director of IOP services at Austin Anxiety and OCD Specialists.