Parenting to Increase Cooperation

In every family, there will be times when children refuse to cooperate and argue with

their parents, resulting in conflict. Parenting during these times can be frustrating and tiring,

especially when you are not sure how to respond to your child’s behavior. Luckily, there are

some specific parenting strategies that have been shown through research to be effective in

fostering a strong parent-child relationship and increasing cooperation in children.

In families with higher levels of parent-child conflict, the attachment between the

parent and child often has been eroded over time. If the scales are tipped more to the negative

than positive side, the child does not have an incentive to cooperate – they are not motivated.

Prior to starting to use any behavioral techniques to address the child’s

behavior, it is imperative to increase the positivity in the parent-child relationship so that the

child wants to cooperate with the parent. Rebuilding the relationship is most often done

through “special playtime” (also called child-directed interaction in Parent-Child Interaction

Therapy). During this special playtime, the parent follows the child’s lead, letting the child

choose the activities. The parent works to praise appropriate behaviors, reflect the child’s talk,

imitate the child’s play, describe the child’s play, and be enthusiastic about spending time with

the child. During this time, the parent should avoid criticism, giving commands, and asking

questions that imply the child did something incorrectly. If the child engages in a negative

behavior, the parent simply ignores the child while the behavior is occurring in order to show

the child that they will not receive attention while engaging in that behavior. This planned

ignoring can occur in response to behaviors such as a child not responding to the parent, using

toys in a way the parent does not like, or being loud. If a child engages in unsafe behavior

(hitting, throwing), special playtime immediately ends. Special playtime should occur for at

least 10 minutes daily and is one-on-one between a parent and child.

Outside of special playtime, parents can continue to use some of the same strategies,

such as planned ignoring and specific positive praise. Planned ignoring can occur in response to

any behavior that is annoying, but not dangerous (e.g., interrupting). Ignoring certain behaviors

helps to avoid inadvertently reinforcing those behaviors. In addition to ignoring specific

behaviors, ensuring that a child is receiving positive feedback for positive behavior helps to

increase that behavior. Often phrased as “catch the child being good”, specific positive praise

should name the behavior that the parent is noticing, such as playing quietly, completing

chores, and so on. By noticing and praising the behavior, the parent is communicating their

expectations and showing that they appreciate the child’s efforts to cooperate with them.

To further work on increasing cooperation, a rewards system can be used. In behavioral

work, using rewards has been found to be more effective than using punishment. Sticker charts

or points systems can be used to target specific behaviors that are challenging, such as morning

or bedtime routine, completing homework, and completing chores. When creating a rewards

system, goals should be phrased in a positive way so as to tell the child what to do rather than

what not to do. Only three to four behaviors should be worked on at a time. Children should be

included in determining the reward options so that the rewards are motivating for them, and

the sticker chart or point tracking should be placed somewhere they can see it. Additionally,

specific positive praise should be given anytime a sticker or points are earned.

Overall, remember that children go through developmental periods of increased

argumentativeness and that all parents struggle with their children’s behavior at times. The

above strategies can be helpful ways to get through these periods. When you are feeling

overwhelmed as a parent, try to remind yourself that this time is just a phase of your child’s life.

Be kind to yourself and make sure to take care of yourself as well as your child.

Parent Coaching and Family Therapy at Austin Anxiety and OCD Specialists

We hope that our blog will be a helpful resource for parents and families who are navigating stressful circumstances; however, we also recognize that additional support is sometimes necessary. Many of our therapists at Austin Anxiety and OCD Specialists have specialized training in parenting and family therapy. Austin Anxiety and OCD Specialists provides parent coaching and family therapy to families living in the greater Austin area (Westlake, Buda, Kyle, Round Rock, Cedar Park, Leander, Georgetown, Pflugerville, Liberty Hill). We provide in-person therapy sessions at our three Austin area offices and also offer teletherapy (virtual video therapy sessions) for parents and families living throughout the state of Texas. If you are interested in scheduling an appointment or learning more about parent coaching or family therapy please contact us at hello@austinanxiety.com or 512-246-7225.